Twainisms
On money & finance
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Like all the other nations, we worship money and the possessors of it--they being our aristocracy, and we have to have one.
The offspring of riches: price, vanity, ostentation, arrogance, tyranny.
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it and when he can.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
If all men were rich, all men would be poor.
Honest poverty is a gem that even a King might be proud to call his own, but I wish to sell out. I have sported that kind of jewelry long enough.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
(V)irtue has never been as respectable as money.
October: this is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite--but they all worship money.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the difference between a dog and a man.
Let us not be too particular: It is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's I mean.
It isn't the sum you get, it's how much you can buy with it, that's the important thing; and it's that that tells whether your wages are high or in fact or only high in name.
On education
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.
It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others--and less trouble.
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
A man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Supposing is good, but finding out is better.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards.
On health
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. Exercise is loathsome. And it cannot be any benefit when you are tired; I was always tired.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Everytime I feel the urge to exercise, I sit down until it goes away.
A half-educated physician is not valuable. He thinks he can cure everything.
On politics
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
(T)he citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor.
Senator: a person who makes laws in Washington when not doing time.
Citizenship is what makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.
Washington can always be depended on to take any reasonably good law and interpret the common sense all out of it.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
No matter how healthy a man's morals may be when he enters the White House, he comes out again with a pot-marked soul.
On cats
When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction.
A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.
Of all God's creatures there is onl one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
I simply can't resist a cat, particularly a purring one. They are the cleanest, cunninges and most intelligent things I know, outside of the girl you love, of course.
On women
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir.... mighty scarce.
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Women cannot receive even the most palpably judicious suggestion without arguing it; that is, married women.
There is nothing comparable to the endurance of a woman. In military life she would tire out an army of men, either in camp or on the march.
On age
How stunning are the changes which age makes in a man while he sleeps!
I am old; I recognize it but I don't realize it. I wonder if a person ever really ceases to feel young--I mean, for a whole day at a time.
You can't reach out old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but I am getting old, and soon I shall remember only the latter.
It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.
On war
By and when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed.
(A)rmaments were not created chiefly for the protection of the nations but for their enslavement.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Peace by persuasion has a pleasant sound, but I think we should not be able to work it. We should have to tame the human race first, and history seems to show that that cannot be done.
On human nature
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession--what there is of it.
We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
